3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
