In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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