Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
