My friends, they love my intelligence
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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