It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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