that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
