just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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