Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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