That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
