Fine. I'll sleep in my office
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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