there's paper in my vomit.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
