Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
