I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
