I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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