Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
