I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
