The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
