I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think my fart just growled at me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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