Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
