May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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