Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
