If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
