hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
