Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
