Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
