K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
