3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
