i just sent this text using only my big toe
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
