I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
