My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Everyone says I win the strip club
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
