the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
