I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
