this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
