think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
