My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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