I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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