I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
