First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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