did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
