My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
