I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
