A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
