I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
