She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
