I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
