If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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