you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
