i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
