I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
