the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
